not the ggwriters

This week on the final season premiere of Gossip Girl, the gang bands together like a rich, bratty version of The Avengersfor an extended version of Where’s Serena? It’s like Where’s Waldo? only instead of striped shirts and hats, you’re mostly looking for gorgeous hair and the cleavage rhombus. 

Serena should have known she could only hide her light under a bushel, or officiate gay weddings, or whatever it was she was doing for so long. Mostly because at some point, her mother would have to remember she had children, and that usually happens on about a four-month cycle.

Previously On Gossip Girl…

In case you’ve forgotten, here’s where we left off with our favorite Upper East Side schemers: Dan and Georgina were writing the book Dan should have written the first time. So it’s like if instead of publishingThe Casual Vacancy, J.K. Rowling had instead called her new book Parry Hotter.

Nate remembered that he occasionally gets storylines around the beginning and end of the season and saw Gossip Girl herself in a hoodie steal back her computer. Also, because of evil things with Grandfather and how his whole family is constantly trying to murder someone, he decided to run the Spectator with no investor support. Shortly after the finale, he went out and bought a dictionary to find out what these crazy “investors” were, and was really bummed to find out they were the magical money fairies that allowed him to randomly open newspapers whenever he felt like it.  

Rufus and Lily had broken up due to the oily charms of Bart Bass, since all Lily’s really been looking for is a giant pile of a money and a husband who can double as a leather purse. 

And Blair and Chuck? Blair had finally made the decision to throw aside Dan and be with Chuck for good. She tracked him down to Monte Carlo to tell him she was all in. 

All these mysteries are solved within at least the first episode of Gossip Girl’s final season. I was less than kind about last season of the show, what with all the dowry nonsense, and the fake cousins and that pact with God. Don’t even get me started on that pact with God. As soon as Chuck mentioned having a pact with Blair in the limo this week, I felt myself have a full body shudder in response. 

If this episode is any indication, Gossip Girl is ready to right the SS OMFG and sail into the sunset strong. The episode got all the characters together interacting in a way that was both organic to the story and really, really fun. Not only did all the characters remember they’re friends and/or know each other, but each individual character already has an established storyline heading into this final stretch of episodes. 

From Monte Carlo to Limos

When Blair made her decision to be with Chuck last season, it was a welcome relief after all the back and forth with her many suitors. Remember Louis and his heavy lisp? Don’t worry, I choose not to as well. 

So it’s a welcome relief when the show dives right into Blair and Chuck, getting in some much need sexy time in Monte Carlo. “Do. That. Again,” indeed!  Then we’re whisked away to four months later, and the two are separated. 

Blair is chatting with another Frenchman, which is bringing back some kind of Gossip Girl-related PTSD where I start rocking back and forth, muttering about dowries. Meanwhile, Chuck is hanging out with some woman named Amira in Dubai, stalking his undead father’s past movements. Which is not as fun and Walking Dead as it sounds, although Bart would make a terrifying zombie. 

When they get called back into action by Lily, Blair shows up in an adorable polka dot outfit, and Chuck shows up in a weird plaid suit and a bow-tie, like the best dressed 80-year-old in the retirement home. It’s so good to see Chuck in a bow-tie; it feels like a quality barometer on this show. 

They seem a bit jealous, but in the way that Chuck and Blair are where they just constantly make sex puns at each other. Since Blair and Chuck have never talked to each other like normal people, I’m not sure why I thought they would start now. Blair is all about setting up Waldorf Designs by herself as a strong, independent woman in a beanie, while Chuck is all about winning back his empire using pretty ladies and glaring. So basically, it’s status quo for these two. 

Later, Dan stands in for every viewer in the universe when he’s like, “So wait, you two are together, but you’re not together? I don’t even understand. Is God involved in this somehow?” And Blair just shrugs and is like, “You know the writers, Dan. You know the writers.” 

In the limo after finding Serena, Chuck and Blair reminisce about all the times they’ve defiled his limo over the years. “Please, God, not again,” Chuck’s limo driver silently cries. Chuck explains that he can’t be with her just yet because she’s a distraction and he would be willing to give up his whole Empire for her. Then he pulls out the Harry Winston ring she’s been wearing on a mostly concealed necklace and gives it a sweet kiss. So they’re engaged to be engaged? That is such a Chuck thing to do.

Then he gets out of the limo to walk off his sexual tension, while Blair stares at the giant Harry Winston ring. That diamond has been through so much. 

Hello, Sabrina

Meanwhile, Lily gets back from a lovely summer vacation with Bart to find out that Serena never returned home. “I guess I thought it was weird that I literally didn’t hear from my child for four months and she didn’t bother showing up for my vow renewal ceremony, but you know…I’m a terrible mother,” Lily shrugs by way of explanation. On any other show, this would be an immense and inconceivable plot hole. On Gossip Girl, it’s probably the most realistic thing in the episode.

So Lily calls up the Non-Judging Breakfast Club, and the Avengers assemble to New York post-haste. Nate uses his blackmail material with Gossip Girl to find out where Serena is, thus destroying the exclusive that could have kept the Spectator afloat. Wait, his big story was a picture of Gossip Girl’s hands? That was his trump card? Oh Nate, honey. It’s a good thing he’s still pretty. 

While the Upper East Side gang strains credulity by stopping at convenience stores (they would never), Georgina and Dan are also on the hunt for Serena. Set to finish his new tell-more expose (can it be a tell-all if he already basically told it all?) Dan needs an ending. Georgina thinks that finding Serena in a mental asylum, drug stupor and/or cult would be just the thing to end the book on the right note. Also, she wouldn’t mind that sex tape Serena recorded, because we all know Georgina’s personal love for secretly recorded sex tapes. 

Georgina and Dan are such a wonderful pair. They’ve always been a good combination, but in this episode they’re particularly strong. Georgina is on fire, just dreaming of uncovering something gigantic and dramatic. Dan’s reaction shots to her insanity make it all the funnier. So Dan, Georgina and the sentient being still living atop Dan’s head, waiting for its moment, head off in search of Serena as well. 

Blair Objects!

Clearly, they were bound to bump into the Upper East Siders. They all head down to what looks like a wedding and, of course, jump to the conclusion that Serena is getting married. This gives us our first party of the season and also the wonderful gift of Dan being slapped in the face by both Serena and Blair. It’s a Dan-slapping party and everyone is invited! 

Of course, it’s not Serena’s wedding but the gay wedding of two dapperly dressed gentlemen named David. The Davids look none too happy when Blair storms up the aisle yelling that Serena can’t get married, like every cliche romantic comedy in existence. 

So “Sabrina” explains to new holistic health titan Steven that she’s actually not from Wisconsin and that she was trying to run away from her problems after a very bad bottoming out on a train. Steven’s just like, “Eh, it happens,” which is hilarious. Seriously, is it just me or did we totally miss his reaction to finding out his girlfriend had lied about literally every detail about herself? The cleavage rhombus makes you forgive some big stuff. 

Blair catches up with Serena and apologizes for all the mean things she’s said. Serena conveniently forgets about banging Dan on a bar and creating a sex tape and just seems over it. Blair explains that best friends forever means that they are in love and friend-married and they can never leave each other, but Serena doesn’t agree. 

She says she doesn’t want to be “stuck” with Blair but wants to move on with Steven. Serena literally just compared her friendship with Blair to her relationship with her new boyfriend. I’m not saying Blair and Serena should run away together and get married, but Gossip Girl thinks so, too. 

Poison Ivy

Meanwhile, in the hands-down funniest storyline in the whole episode, Rufus and Ivy are living together. Just because! I’m assuming Ivy came over one day with a waffle iron and one thing just lead to another. Ivy is definitely conning Rufus, but for what is still unclear. 

She does manage to get him into bed with her by complimenting him a whole bunch and then making out with his completely unmoving face, which is just the best. It’s like the writers are trying to make it up to us loyal viewers who waited in vain for that Vanessa/Rufus hookup that never happened. It’s not Vufus, but I’ll take it. 

The absolute best moment in the episode happens when Dan walks in, sees Rufus and Ivy and slowly backs out of the apartment in shock. Man, this is going to be such good material for Earth to Rufus, his solo project of songs about waffles and love.

Next week, Rufus and Ivy open an art gallery composed of artistic shots of breakfast foods. Dan finishes Outside by just rearranging a bunch of kitchen word magnets. Blair and Chuck take over the world in weird outfits. And Nate continues staring mournfully at the printer, wondering how that magical creature vomits pictures on demand. 

source  

This week on Gossip Girl, everyone schemes and counter-schemes and double-back reverse schemes until they all end up at a haunted house orgy. Seriously. And that last sentence was only the tip of the iceberg.

The iceberg being that the great mystery that is Chuck’s parentage was finally revealed. (Well, I mean partially revealed. Who’s his mom? Elizabeth Fisher? Between the weird timelines and the show’s tenuous grip on the 90’s, it’s possible anyone at all is Chuck’s mother.) Chuck hits that iceberg, in my extended Titanic metaphor, and it’s too soon to tell whether or not he’ll sink. I have good money on rooftop theatrics.

So who is Chuck’s daddy? It’s Bart Bass, of course, alive and just as orange and leathery as we remember him. Thank god my hunch that Bart Bass is alive was true because I would have felt pretty silly printing up all those commemorative “Bart Bass Lives” T-shirts. 

It’s the best episode of the whole season, easily surpassing last week’s stellar outing. Watching tonight’s episode of Gossip Girl was like watching the show in vintage form. Blair was scheming and capable, like if you put Tom Hanks from The Da Vinci Code into Herve Ledger. Nate was confused for about 90% of the episode.

Chuck was borderline inappropriate, overly dramatic and bonded instantly with hookers. Serena was convinced she was a secret agent, wore a low-cut shirt and then ended the episode depressed, as is her way this season. And Dan once more threw away a gigantic career opportunity for a girl that is barely interested in him. All is right in the world once again, fellow OMFG lovers. 

Roman Holiday?

Dan spends the entire episode patting himself on the back about how progressive he is in his relationship with Blair. Because they’re equals and he trusts her! Also, he has bigger fish to fry, like getting past page two of his new book. His book agent Alexandra is clearly a Chair shipper because she immediately sets him up with a pretty, mature Italian lady who offers him a great opportunity for a summer program. Only problem? It’s in Rome. 

So Dan calls up Blair, who he assumes is looking at paintings at the Met to get back into Original Gangster Blair form. The way Dan says Original Gangster Blair is so hilarious. I imagine him starting up a hipster rap collective where he spits rhymes about mason jars and pickling various things. He would be huge in Brooklyn. I hope that’s a storyline for next season. The writers totally read these recaps, right? 

When Blair instantly gives Dan leave to pop off to Rome, however, he starts to wonder if there’s trouble in paradise. And there is, because it’s clear that Blair is gradually leaving Dan for her true love: scheming. Dan, of course, wonders if this is a Chuck thing. So he follows Blair and Chuck and then just sort of skulks outside the Haunted Sex Mansion until Rufus tells him to go home. It’s bad when you’re taking relationship advice from Rufus, that’s all I’m saying. 

Later, he calls and cancels his Roman holiday and tells Blair that they went for someone else. Then he drops those three little words every girl waits to hear, “I love you,” and Blair responds with, “Let’s get dinner!” Considering that Blair very rarely eats, this is probably a bad sign for the relationship. 

Gossip Girl: The Serena Chronicles

Nate finally believes Lola that Serena is Gossip Girl because Lola literally gave him a paper that was like, “Hi Serena, enjoy being Gossip Girl!” And yet, part of me still believes it took at least half a day for Lola to slowly explain the implications to Nate after seeing that Serena had the GG login information. “There’s this thing called a website, Nate. You should know. You run one.” 

So Nate and Lola hatch an elaborate scheme that in hindsight still doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. I don’t know if this is because there’s a lot of moving parts in this episode and I just need to watch everything again or if their plan just makes no sense. Since its Nate and Lola, the latter feels infinitely more possible. 

The grand scheme is to take down Diana, Gossip Girl and Serena. Or at least show Serena the error of her ways, because Nate can’t hate anyone for more than five seconds, since that’s how long Nate can hold onto information. So they double-cross Serena about the schedule book, except for how Serena is totally double-crossing their double-cross. My mind is being blown by Nate, Serena and Lola. I don’t know how to feel about that. 

Basically the best part of this whole scenario is all of Serena’s terrible, amazing acting as she pretends to look for something to break the cipher in Diana’s scheduler. “Oh, a Big Ben paperweight!” Serena crows cheerfully on the phone to Nate as she pretends to go through Diana’s things. Crazy Serena is so freaking aces. 

Why is Serena doing this? Well, it’s because Diana has promised to give her Gossip Girl cell phone number. Then Serena can track her down, kill her, dump her body in the river and become Gossip Girl forevermore. Or something less extreme. I’m not sure Serena has a plan yet. Serena keeps telling everyone that she wants to out Gossip Girl once and for all, but Lola knows it’s because she’s got nothing going on except being Gossip Girl. 

Serena tries to steal the schedule to give it back to Diana but gets busted because Blair is finally checked in enough to notice how terrible Serena is at scheming. If Blair had her original flavor personality at any point this season, she would have figured this mystery out ages ago instead of drinking things out of mason jars.

Blair hands the schedule book back over to Serena after they’re finished with it and Serena gets the number from Diana. Then Lola puts the number in her app that allows you to illegally trace someone via GPS because Lola is secretly working for the CIA and the last episode of this season will have everyone in some sort of high-security lockup.

Serena almost finds Gossip Girl at the Haunted Mansion Sexy-Scary Time party, but the party gets broken up before she can trace the ringing. That is literally the closest we have maybe ever gotten to the real Gossip Girl. I like to believe that Kristen Bell’s back in that room, being carried around on a golden palm frond by a bunch of shirtless men, clutching her laptop and cackling. 

So now Serena has no Gossip Girl site, since the Original Gangster GG stole the laptop and changed the login thanks to Nate and Lola. Serena is offended because clearly she was making the world a better place through Gossip Girl, like all those times she insinuated on the site that Chuck and Blair were doing it to undermine Blair’s relationship with Dan. She was changing the system from the inside! At episode’s end, Serena is sitting all alone in the dark, pitied by even Dorota, with only her berry friends to keep her company. Does Serena literally ever eat anything except berries this season?

Original Gangster Blair

On Blair’s way to rediscovering herself via staring at paintings, she’s cut off by a limo. This means two things: 1.) Chuck Bass needs help with a scheme that only someone as nefarious as Blair could crack and 2.) That the working GPS Chuck has on Blair to know where she is at all times is still working. Some things never change. 

So Blair gets into her best skintight cougar dress in order to channel Diana Payne, and Chuck is way turned on, even though literally five seconds ago he thought Diana was his mother. One day, we’re going to get a whole episode delving into Chuck’s mother issues, like why he has such uncomfortably inappropriate chemistry with Lily. 

Diana’s schedule book is of course written in a cipher code that is nearly impossible to break. But Blair lives her whole life like it’s a movie and occasionally when the need calls for it her life has been a spy movie. This is one of these times and it’s amazing to watch Blair slip into a convincing British accent and pull out her old ciphers. 

It’s like everyone else is still on Gossip Girl, but Blair is in some combination of a Dan Brown novel and an episode of Alias. She’s all “cipher this” and “cryptograph that” while next to her Chuck gets incredibly turned out. On the other couch, Nate smiles and pretends he knows any of those words, while Serena thinks about her next meal where she’ll spice things up by eating two berries instead of one.

Thanks to sending Dorota into the action (in this case, Diana’s massage parlor), Blair manages to break Diana’s cipher. Whatever Dorota is being paid, it’s officially not enough for all the spy work she’s doing. They call the number and it leads them to a crazy Eyes Wide Shut party. Remember when Chuck went to one of those in season 2 and briefly fell in love with a hooker and it was weird? Well, callback time! This should have maybe been the first indication that Bart Bass would triumphantly return. You just cannot throw a good orgy without inviting Bart Bass. 

So now Chuck, Blair and Nate are at what looks like what would happen if you crossed a horror movie where everyone ends up being dead at the end with really old fashioned porn from the 1920’s. So basically they’re in American Horror Story, only Dylan McDermott hasn’t showed up to cry. Once there, Blair gets possessive over hookers hitting on Chuck (I guess knowing his history of falling in love with them?) and off they go to tour the mansion. 

It’s really great. Blair keeps trying to see as many rooms as possible, while Chuck keeps making up excuses for why it won’t work for them to have sex in. In other parts of the house, Diana has a control center because she’s actually transforming into a Bond villain and dismisses everyone once she sees Blair and Chuck. 

In the melee, Blair sees Bart Bass and looks shocked, while Nate and Lola confront Diana about being a madam or something. I don’t know. Nate and Lola have some sort of plan up their sleeve to take Diana down and retake the Spectator. I’m not sure why Lola cares so much about this, to be honest. 

Chuck confronts Jack about being his real father. “Why do you have to be so melodramatic about everything?” Jack asks Chuck. Please, Jack would know by now that’s the only setting Chuck has. Chuck basically goes from melodramatic to prancing around on rooftops with no lower setting. Jack has Chuck thrown out, but not before having a conversation with Blair about what she saw. He tells her she can’t tell Chuck because of mysterious non-answer reasons. 

Outside, Blair looks about as shell-shocked as you’d expect. Chuck holds her hand and asks her what’s wrong. He says after everything they’ve been through, they shouldn’t have any more secrets. Blair obviously agrees because she advises him to go back into the Haunted Sex Mansion when everyone else clears out. Chuck does and finds Jack and Diana in a discussion with none other than the most leathery, amazing, dearly departed character in the Gossip Girl universe: Bart Bass. BART BASS LIVES! 

Next week, Blair and Chuck do something that has Dan jealous. Meanwhile, Bart Bass plans to sail out on a boat to Westeros to retake the iron throne. 

This week on Gossip Girl, Serena goes mad with power, using our favorite Upper East Siders like puppets in her gambit to replace herself as resident It Girl. That is, until she realizes that she likes the spotlight almost as much as she likes being Gossip Girl. It would be a more interesting storyline if Serena didn’t rail against her status as anointed It Girl at least once per season only to then realize that like Tinkerbell, Serena only really exists if people believe in her.

Meanwhile, Blair is mourning the loss of her pretty princess tiara while Dan chases her around town making concerned faces. Chuck wants some friendly advice about blood donors and mothers and stuff, but the only people he knows are people with terrible advice to give. 

Nate is fighting a war with Diana to rule the Spectator through statutory rape and child pornography. Lola gets a taste of the good life and discovers, like Ivy, it’s both better and worse than she could ever imagine. Also, sometimes it means your sister-cousin will force you out into the streets in your underthings. Finally, Rufus and Lily argue about nothing at all and Rufus takes a stand because it’s been awhile since he’s been self-righteous about something besides waffles. 

The Blood Donor Mysteries Continue

Imagine yourself in a far, far away made-up place where Chuck and the Gossip Girl writers are having a conversation. “Hey Chuck, would you like an actual storyline for the back half of the season?” the writers ask Chuck. Chuck gets excited, like someone telling him they found an argyle bowtie. “A storyline, my god, it’s been so long!”

“Great!” the writers say. “We’re going to give you the same family/mother/father-whatever issues storyline we give you at the end of every season. Only this time there’s blood donation involved! How pumped are you, vague blood pun intended?!” Chuck looks like someone told him that said bowtie is made of polyester as a single tear escapes down his cheek. “Kill me,” he Batman-whispers softly. 

The above paragraph I think perfectly encapsulates Chuck’s blood donor mommy storyline this episode. But in case you want more specifics: Chuck is wondering if he should reach out to Elizabeth Fisher, his maybe mommy dearest, so he goes to Blair for advice. Blair verbally punches him in the face repeatedly and then just walks out of her own living room, leaving Chuck bewildered. 

Chuck bumps into Serena, in the middle of ruining the lives of several people for no apparent reason, who tells him to go for it because using your new found family as giant meat puppets is crazy fun. Chuck tells Andrew Tyler he wants to look up Elizabeth Fisher and it turns out that she’s been in a monastery in Tibet, repenting her time with Jack Bass while undoubtedly on some strong STD medication. Chuck tells Andrew Tyler to never stop looking with a medium amount of melodrama. (The full out Chuck Bass melodrama involves nearly jumping off buildings and yelling his name repeatedly, but the season isn’t over yet.) And scene! 

In the more interesting part of Chuck’s storyline, it turns out he actually paid Blair’s dowry. So wait, what did Georgina do exactly? What was the purpose of Georgina Sparks? I just … never mind. I’m thinking again and we all know that’s a mistake when the word “dowry” is involved. 

Dan finds out that Chuck paid the dowry and thinks that’s why Blair hasn’t signed her divorce papers. So he tells Blair about how he totally understands how she must be feeling, but of course Blair didn’t know. She confronts Chuck about it, imagining that he’s trying to buy her back the same way he traded her for a hotel that one time. Listen, I wish they could bring up the hotel situation in a context in which Blair isn’t actually jumping down Chuck’s throat for no real reason, but I guess at least it’s not being completely swept under the rug? I don’t know. My feelings, they are mixed. 

The best Chuck thing all episode, though? The weird workout outfit he’s wearing in his first scene with Nate. It is like a bright red one-piece with a zipper down to Chuck Bass, Junior. He looks like he’s wearing a baby onesie or like he’s a missing member from an Olympic bobsled team. Please tell me someone is making a photo manipulation as we speak of Chuck in the baby Bjorn on The Hangover poster.

Goodbye, Princess Blair

The reason that Dan is worried is that he finds out with a little help from Dorota that Blair lied to him about signing her divorce papers. After Nate lets slip about the dowry, Dan is convinced this is a Blair and Chuck thing. Nate is seriously the worst person to tell any secret to; I cannot believe that Chuck could have seriously wanted to keep that on the down low and still told Nate. Nate is like a secrets pinata — all you have to do is shake him a little and they all come tumbling out. 

When Dan finally confronts Blair about the unsigned papers, she admits she didn’t want to close the book on something, but it wasn’t Chuck or Louis related. It was her princess dreams. She says she needed to mourn the loss of her crown before she could move on. So far on screen, we’ve seen Blair mourn more for her pretty princess tiara than her miscarried, unborn baby. 

So Dan does the most cheeseball, adorable thing he can think of in his Humphrey head. He puts Blair in a pretty pink ball gown and walks her up the steps of the Met and then crowns her with a tacky tiara he probably purchased at Claire’s. Blair jokes about her abhorrence for cubic zirconia, but she’s into it when some mini-Gossip Girls rush her for a picture. 

They’re all wearing bright colors and headbands and I found myself missing the sartorial signature of the early days of the show. Those bright coats! Those headbands! At least Blair’s makeup was on point this week. She looks gorgeous; her divorce is really agreeing with her. Dan seemingly agrees because the two kiss on the steps of the Met and walk off hand in hand. Her other hand must be busy texting because Chuck gets a text thanking him for setting her free. 

You’re Nobody Unless Somebody’s Talking About You

Serena is still holding the reins of Gossip Girl and is going steadily mad with power. This is why Chuck and Blair do the scheming and Serena wears something low-cut and passes out in elevators. We all have our strengths, Serena. Gossip Girl wants her site, back but Serena wants to run one last mission with her gossipy powers first. Serena’s covert mission is to make an It Girl out of new sister-cousin Lola, thereby getting herself out of the Gossip Girl crosshairs. 

Again, every season Serena decides that it’s time that Gossip Girl finally left her alone, only to find out that she doesn’t much like being out of the spotlight. There’s a reason that the worst thing you could ever call Serena van der Woodsen is irrelevant. 

Serena goes about making Lola the new flavor of the week the old fashioned way: sex and vengeance. First, she pulls the fire alarm while Lola is changing into some lingerie, forcing her out in public in undergarments. When the pictures of Lola go viral, she’s soon asked to walk in the weirdest, most surreal fashion show of all time. I mean, it looks like a goth girl’s dream journal instead of a fashion show. 

Lola, however, is still reticent. So she plays up the jealousy Lola is feeling over Nate’s prior relationship with Diana. She posts that Diana and Nate are going to the Spectator party together, which drives Lola insane. She’s quickly agreeing to drag her friend from home, Aidan, along to the party to make Nate jealous. While Lola is literally going out of her mind, Serena is just cackling and rubbing her hands together and twirling her imaginary mustache. “I’ve got you right where I want you, my pretty!” she cackles and then posts a blog about Chuck and Blair having an afternoon delight. 

I know Serena is sort of ridiculous this episode, but it’s just so hilarious. What’s extra amazing is her telling Blair how happy she is for Blair and Dan but immediately trying to screw them over at the first opportunity. You are a shining star, Serena; never change. 

Jailed Cougar?

It turns out, of course, that Lola and Nate were playing Diana. So Lola was just playing Serena who was just playing her while playing Gossip Girl. Did you guys get that? My head hurts. What if we’re all Gossip Girl? What if we’re all Serena with worse hair? I’m questioning everything now. 

After Diana starts seriously hemming in on Nate’s Don Draper mancave, he and Lola hatch a scheme to get rid of her. Basically, the scheme is that they would pretend to fight and Nate would go with Diana to the fashion show. Lola brings along her own date in the form of Aidan. Nate tells Diana that she doesn’t want to admit that she misses her boytoy, which leads to her hooking up with Aidan. Who is 16 years old and looks alternatively turned on and terrified by Diana. Which is the way I imagine most people react to her. 

Nate threatens to out Diana for statutory rape, but then Diana points out that if Nate leaked the video he would be disseminating child pornography. Good job. Nate and Diana work it out, with Diana admitting that she does still have feelings for Nate. I worry that the Gossip Girl writers understand the finer points of child pornography laws but not the basics of how pre-nuptial agreements work. 

Meanwhile, Serena freaks out when they rename the lingerie named after her to the “Lola.” Lola is everywhere! Lola Lola Lola! Serena is Jan Brady now. So Serena tells Lola not to get used to her It Girl fame because it is fleeting. May I just say that I find it hard to believe that an aspiring actress would be so staunchly against publicity? 

Serena posts a Gossip Girl blog about how the only It Girl that matters in New York is Serena van der Woodsen, while Lola gets her picture taken on the street. Serena is like the Cher to Lola’s Tai in Clueless. She’s created a publicity monster. But Serena is not giving up the Gossip Girl blog to the real deal just yet; she’s gotten a taste of power and she finds it almost as intoxicating as a good martini or a low-cut shirt. 

Next week, Blair and Dan come out of Brooklyn to admit their relationship, and Dan admits that his hair is an elaborate prank that he is playing on us all that represents the pain of the 99% or something. Serena probably uses Gossip Girl for more evil and Rufus makes waffles in Brooklyn, sadly while crying into his cable knit sweater.

What did you think of this week’s episode? Do you like Serena as the new Gossip Girl? Are you liking Blair and Dan or missing Blair and Chuck?

            This week, Ivy and William join forces to extort money and ruin cocktail hour with red wine, except it’s all a sham! Lily considers burning down the Brooklyn loft with their barely working burner. Serena proves herself to be the worst Gossip Girl imaginable, like we all imagined, and gets fired by Nate. Nate pretends to be Don Draper, gives bad sex advice and then gets an offer from Diana Payne he can’t refuse.

Lola officially joins the family by screwing someone else over and wearing a low-cut dress. Chuck uncovers Jack Bass’ blood donor deception with some James Bond moves and fake childhood leukemia. Finally, Blair and Dan have bad sex sober and good sex drunk, in public. It’s like every great love story, only grosser and weirder. 

It was a surprisingly fun episode, despite all the ridiculous plot twists. Ivy continues coming unhinged in new and delightful ways. I wasn’t the biggest fan of the character when she first came on the scene, but she is now like one more screw-over away from a complete mental breakdown and I love it. Meanwhile, if we had to lose season MVP’s Georgina and Cece, at least we got the hilarious one-liner that is Jack Bass. 

Drunken Love in an Elevator

It’s amazing how little the Blair and Dan plot had to do with the rest of the episode this week. You could literally completely lift their whole storyline out with little change to the episode. That isn’t to say the storyline wasn’t fun, just oddly disconnected in an episode about law and blood transfusion espionage. 

Thanks to Rufus kidnapping Lily and holding her against her will in Brooklyn, Dan and Blair’s sexy times have been delayed by a whole month. In that month, somehow Dan’s hair has become a sentient being, to the point where I imagine the sex they have later is bad because they unknowingly just had a threesome. 

Somehow, it takes Rufus to figure out that the two should just rent a hotel to get their sexy on. How is it that Blair Waldorf never thought of a hotel? I barely believe she would have been willing to have sex in Brooklyn; how is hotel not the first thing she thought of? It’s sad it took Dan’s DAD to figure out their sex lives. 

The sex is bad, as is the show’s creative choice to frame this storyline at times shot-for-shot the same as this exact storyline from The OC. It was endearing when it was Seth and Summer and it was both of their first times. It’s not quite as cute here. I also didn’t know Dan’s hair could be worse; then I saw Dan’s curly moppet sex hair. I’m sending my therapy bills to Gossip Girl. 

Still, watching Blair re-gift Dorota her wedding champagne glasses and then get hammered on vodka is undeniably precious. As is Dan’s reveal that he and Nate made a “Don Draper pact” about drinking at work. 

Finally, in the elevator up to Ivy’s party, Dan and Blair find the secret to conjugal bliss: being really drunk and in public. I guess if it’s good enough for Aerosmith? Later, they hit up some bars so they can defile their bathrooms and then have sex in a weird Asian-looking alleyway in Williamsburg. 

The Magic Johnson of Hep C

Chuck’s storyline is so ridiculous that it veers into being totally great, with some large help from the always hilarious Jack Bass. After learning that his blood is now riddled with even more STDs than before, thanks to a life-saving infusion from Jack, Chuck takes him out on the town. Jack is oddly confused about saving Chuck’s life, just the first of many warning signs. 

Chuck wants to name a hospital wing after Jack in thanks, which is hilarious on so many different levels. Could you imagine the sheer terror of being treated in the Jack Bass Hospital Pavilion? You’d go in for a routine procedure and you’d come out with an STD and missing a kidney that was sold on the black market.

The second warning sign that things may not be what they seem is when Chuck finds out that Jack spent a gay old time in an English boarding school. (Puns!) Chuck points out that because of his time overseas in the 90’s, Jack shouldn’t be able to give blood. So great, now Chuck has Mad Cow disease. I hope it turns him into a zombie that gives Mad Cow disease to everyone else on the show. I have no idea how Mad Cow disease works. It’s like what happens to people on The Walking Dead, right? 

After this revelation, Chuck goes to, frankly, pretty preposterous lengths to prove that Jack didn’t donate his blood. It is hilarious. He snoops on a computer like James Bond; he bribes a kid into pretending to have leukemia. You know, normal stuff you do when you need to ask your uncle something.

After Jack drops the best line of the episode — “I like to think of myself as the Magic Johnson of Hep C” — he confirms it was Elizabeth Fisher that gave the blood. But I have my money on another English Rose making a comeback. Time to find out how Diana Payne, Jack, Bart and Chuck are all connected.  

Ruining Cocktails

Lily is really killing it this episode in just about every scene. Basically, this whole episode is Lily just reigning in her urge to punch people in the face. She wants to punch Rufus when he regales her with the charms of the Brooklyn loft. She wants to punch Ivy when she puts her arm around Lily for a picture. She wants to go back through time, give her mom the hug they never really shared and then punch her for giving away the loft to Ivy. Basically, it’s an episode of Lily barely suppressing her rage. With all that said, though, I’ve never seen her as disgusted as when she realizes that Ivy is serving red wine. At a cocktail party. My god, she’s a monster and must be stopped! 

Ivy is also a big, giant ball of insanity this episode. In fact, if I had to label this episode anything, it would be: Rhodes Women Both Real and Fake Go Mildly Insane. With all her new cash money, Ivy is truly pissed that the Rhodes women have blackballed her from spending it anywhere around town. That’s when William comes to her with a plan: she gives him money and he gets people to show up at her Cece memorial party.

William needs the money too, because Carol is still blackmailing him. “I can’t change the law just because you’re blackmailing me!” he hisses at Carol on the phone, and I laugh and laugh because Gossip Girl has never once cared about how legal systems work, not ever. You’re barking up the wrong tree there, William. 

It turns out it’s all an elaborate William and Lily planned ruse in order to get Ivy to implicate herself in bribing the executor of the will. Lola overhears and shares her information with Nate, who shares it with Serena, who also goes crazy. There’s a lot of craziness in this episode. 

In the end, Ivy is left with frozen assets, a big bill from a declasse cocktail party and an increasing beef with the van der Woodsens. My favorite part has to be when she yells at Lola for siding with her “greedy” family and complaining that no one there even cared about celebrating Cece. Even though we are clearly shown that Ivy only threw the party in Cece’s honor in order to get rich people to talk to her. Props, though, because I can’t think of anything better to honor Cece’s memory

Gossip Girl Returns

Serena finally gets the Gossip Girl computer, a month later. Hold up — didn’t Georgina put that in the mail right before she left? Why did it take a month to get to Serena on the other side of the city? I know traffic’s bad, but this is ridiculous. It only takes the blink of an eye to get from the Upper East Side to Brooklyn on this show; shouldn’t Serena have gotten that computer mere seconds after Georgina put it in the mail? Unless Georgina sent it from the future because she is a terminator, I have no idea why it would take that long. (Georgina would be the most effective Terminator ever. John Connor would be dead and she would make him into a spiky purse.) 

As Nate talks up Serena’s blogging talents to his potential investor, Serena begins to enjoy the power of Gossip Girl. Unfortunately, Serena turns out to be as effective at being Gossip Girl as you’d imagine. She becomes the best/worst/most amazing Gossip Girl the world has ever seen. She literally ruins her own family as Gossip Girl. You don’t even need to give Serena an opponent to face off against; this season, she will just ruin her own life! 

When she can’t get to a computer in time to turn off the Ivy-William Gossip Girl blast because of weird old guys hitting on her over her grandmother’s death, it looks bad for the van der Woodsen plan. That is, until Lola tells Serena she overheard the bribe, and Serena pulls out all her powers of heartwarming and slight condescension to convince Lola that her family really needs her. 

Nate, however, is a lot less happy with Serena and fires her after the deal falls through. Now he’s going to have to whore himself out to Diana Payne again, and he was just getting used to not being a hooker anymore! 

Poor Serena; how many jobs has she had at this point? 50? 500? More than Barbie, I’m pretty sure. I can’t wait until next season when Serena is a doctor, a lawyer, a professional blood donor, a race car driver and a veterinarian. 

Someone else none too happy with Serena’s new non-career path? The real Gossip Girl, who instant messages Serena as the episode closes, asking for her password back. I’d do it if I were Serena. First, she’s terrible at being Gossip Girl; so what’s the loss exactly? But secondly, I wouldn’t want to mess with Veronica Mars, because she is always smarter than you. 

Next week, Lola gets jealous because Nate is probably hooking again. And she sings to Nate that he doesn’t have to put on that red light, but of course he does because Diana Payne is back. 

What did you think of tonight’s episode? Did you like the Blair and Dan of it all? What are your theories on Chuck’s mysterious blood transfusion? What’s up with Diana Payne

http://www.buddytv.com/articles/gossip-girl/gossip-girl-recap-going-down-44810.aspx